Sex File: How do we get back on track in bed after her affair?

"Infidelity is often motivated by underlying problems in a marriage, but the "relationship-deficit" model doesn't solely explain it. Some people use affairs as a way of boosting their self-esteem or exploring sex in a way they don't feel able to in the marriage."

Mon, 03 Mar, 2025 - 01:00

Suzi Godson

My wife had a fling with a former colleague last year. We are both trying hard to work through it, and in theory I feel like I will be able to forgive her but I'm not sure how to get our sex life back on track. Where do we start?

You don't say what you mean by "trying hard to work through it", but if you still feel that you are only "theoretically" capable of forgiving your wife a year on, that doesn't sound like a promising foundation for sexual intimacy. Trust is essential for real connection. If you can't forgive, you can't forget, and the idea that you can get your sex life back on track when you haven't properly processed your feelings is naive.

Rather than focus on your sexual relationship, you'd be better off trying to figure out why she had an affair in the first place. Infidelity is often motivated by underlying problems in a marriage, but the "relationship-deficit" model doesn't solely explain it. Some people use affairs as a way of boosting their self-esteem or exploring sex in a way they don't feel able to in the marriage.

Boredom and a lack of emotional support in a marriage can also put partners at risk, as does poor communication. Sometimes affairs are just opportunistic and this is particularly true for workplace liaisons. In two different studies, between 46 and 62% of individuals reported that they met their extramarital sexual partner at work. Work puts people in close and constant proximity to each other, and when two, often drunk, colleagues have sex, it is an illicit thrill, which they end up doing again and again and again.

The good news is that data suggests that about 60% of marriages survive infidelity. They don't all thrive, though. Some couples stay together to avoid the pain of splitting up and the negative impact that a divorce might have on their children, finances, psychological wellbeing or lifestyle. Instead of doing the repair work necessary to ensure that the marriage is structurally sound, they paper over the cracks - but often avoidance simply kicks the can a bit further down the road.

The outcomes are better for couples who are willing to address both the triggers and the consequences with brutal honesty, turning it into an opportunity for change. If you and your wife have not done therapy yet, I would strongly urge you to do so. Numerous studies have shown that it helps to reduce relational distress, improve communication and resolve sexual difficulties. A good therapist will make sure that you are both emotionally ready to tackle the most challenging conversations.

I very much doubt that you will be able to get your sex life back on track without this support. You can't have great sex with a spouse that you don't trust. Any form of doubt creates just enough distance to allow the person your partner cheated with to continually come between you. The only way to close that gap is to strengthen your emotional connection.

Rather than trying to put the past behind you, you need to put the future under a microscope and figure out, together, what needs to change to enable this relationship to grow.