Sex File: I can't stop thinking about his beautiful ex-wife
Pic: iStock
I can understand why you might be fascinated by your partner's beautiful ex-wife. People's past lives and relationships are always interesting. However, torturing yourself with thoughts of their love life is masochistic.
If you allow those thoughts into your head, you might as well go through his entire back catalogue. Where would you stop? That one-night stand he had in 1997? His teenage girlfriend?
Ultimately, his past experiences shaped him into the person he is today - and that person has chosen to be with you. That should be enough.
If your partner had been a stranger when you met it might be easier to understand your anxiety but he is a former colleague and old friend, so you have history with each other.
You knew him well enough to trust him when you started dating, so why would you allow your anxiety to undermine this lovely new relationship?
It thrives on attention, so the only way to stop it coming between you and your self-esteem is to challenge its legitimacy and replace it with more constructive thoughts and behaviours.
Start with the fact that no matter how beautiful your partner's ex-wife was, it did not stop their marriage ending in divorce. I
If she ended it, it's likely that the only feelings your new partner still has for her will be anger or relief. If your partner ended it, you can be even more confident that he doesn't want to be with her.
Two-thirds of all divorces are instigated by women, so men who pull the plug tend to be highly motivated to do so.
Although you don't mention what happened in your own divorce, the insecurity you feel about your new partner's ex-wife might reflect lingering anxieties about how your marriage ended.
Divorce is traumatic for everyone, and because most people who go through it were once so in love that they tied the knot, it can be difficult to trust that there is an alternative ending to any relationship.
If this resonates, it would be worth talking to a professional so you can offload negative feelings in a space where they can be safely explored rather than bottling up fears and transferring them to your new partner.
You might also benefit from using relaxation techniques such as yoga.
At the end of a yoga practice there is a short period of savasana, during which you lie on your mat relaxing your muscles, letting go of tension and moving into a state of pratyahara, which means "withdrawal of the senses".
Pratyahara essentially means closing your eyes and focusing on how your body feels. It is a relaxing and restorative state that makes you aware of how much tension you carry with you.
Pratyahara can also be incorporated into sex. When you eliminate one sense, you heighten the others.
Closing your eyes makes touch feel more electric. Your hearing becomes more sensitive and even your sense of smell becomes more powerful.
Closing your eyes can also dissolve the separateness between two people. When you are no longer able to see where you end and your partner begins, you move as one and that makes you feel completely connected.
It is a simple exercise that increases intimacy.
Strengthen the bond you have with each other and you will soon stop worrying about the bond he once had with his ex-wife.
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