Colman Noctor: Shielding children from the culture of New Years' Resolutions

Many of us may already be struggling to adhere to the new year promises we made to ourselves last week. Consistency is far more effective than intensity. I wrote a book on this topic in 2023 called The 4-7 Zone, which promoted a measured approach to changing our lives. 

I do not doubt that if I called the book ‘The Five Easy Steps to Happiness’, I would have sold more copies, and after reviewing the sales, I realised that moderation is a hard sell. 

Despite the well-worn phrase of ‘slow and steady wins the race’, we remain driven by the siren call of the quick fix, especially at this time of year.

We spent weeks enjoying mince pies or an extra glass of wine because ‘sure, it’s Christmas’, only to be told overnight that we are ‘too fat’, ‘too lazy’, ‘too unfit’ or ‘too disorganised’.

In response, many of us dive into a strict regimen that promises to be ‘the best version of ourselves’ by early February.

Many seemingly sensible adults will buy new leisure wear in the January sales, sign up for gym memberships, and buy a truckload of kettlebells to begin their ‘new year, new me’ journey.

Young people are even more susceptible to these promises. If the social media algorithm identifies their desire for weight loss, their feeds will quickly be awash with potentially harmful content about restrictive diet plans and intense exercise schedules.

This negative exposure can lead to children engaging in self-improvement regimens, even though they may not be mature enough to decipher sensible advice from more sinister content.

During the pandemic lockdowns, I saw an increase in young people presenting with eating disorders, which seemed to begin as a regimen of self-improvement which got out of hand.

Burdens of expectation

Social learning theory, which psychologist Albert Bandura initially developed, emphasises the power of observation, imitation, and modelling in influencing learning. 

It posits that individuals learn behaviours, values, and attitudes through observing others, especially those they consider role models. 

In the context of parenting, the theory provides valuable insights into how children develop behaviours and habits, both positive and negative. 

We must also be acutely aware that our children are witnessing our attempts at self-improvement. 

Whether it’s how we describe our body image or our experience of ageing, they internalise the relationship we have with ourselves. 

So, if our approach to self-improvement is overly harsh, our children could imitate us.

Childhood is supposed to be a time when children are carefree and not burdened by the expectations of performance or thriving. 

Indeed, children should be spared the stress of self-improvement. But what do you do if a child tells you they would like to engage in self-improvement or want to go on a diet? 

How do we support them in doing this healthily without being influenced by the drive for perfection and extreme self-improvement measures?

A growing number of parents are contacting me about their uncertainty regarding how to respond to a child who wants to engage in self-improvement.

The queries usually involve a younger child between eight and 11 who wants to lose weight or start dieting. Often, the parent acknowledges that the child may be heavier than their recommended weight for height. 

Still, they are anxious about how to support their child without damaging their self-worth or negatively impacting their body image.

I’ve worked with young people experiencing eating disorders for most of my career, so I am keenly aware that any intervention needs to be carefully thought out.

If a parent dismisses the child’s request for self-improvement, they are likely to secretly restrict their food intake or increase their exercise levels, which can be potentially dangerous. 

Or they could interpret their parent’s dismissiveness as a lack of belief in them, which can also negatively impact their self-worth.

Positive processes

If your child is a healthy weight for their height and has a good dietary intake and activity level, you need to reassure them of this and discourage any attempts to eat less or move more. 

But if you believe your child would benefit from improving their diet and activity levels, here are some suggestions to guide them to engage in this process healthily.

The first thing to do is make any self-improvement initiative fun and collaborative. The best way to ensure a child or young teen does not become obsessed with their healthy eating or that they don’t follow any unhelpful direction from online influencers is to do it with them.

Perhaps sitting down as a family and sharing some ideas for healthy eating would be a good start. By doing this, you are role-modelling the importance of healthy goal-setting and keeping an eye on their expectations.

The second important thing is to frame all resolutions positively. For example, saying, “we will try to eat more vegetables” instead of “we will stop eating chocolate” is more effective and likely to achieve a positive mindset about the goal. 

Talking about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods in front of children is also a mistake. Instead, talk about amounts of food and everything in moderation.

It is also crucial to celebrate efforts rather than perfection. So much of what we hear is results-driven, with little or no acknowledgement of effort. 

Children’s healthy eating or activity regimens should not involve weighing scales. It should be about an acknowledgement of their effort, not their outcome.

Furthermore, using a weighing scale as a metric in childhood and adolescence is problematic due to growth spurts and the onset of puberty, which can influence their weight independently of their eating patterns and activity levels.

It is also essential to keep resolutions ‘age-appropriate’. For younger children, simple and concrete goals, like “I will try to do one short walk a day”, would be preferable to “I’ll do more exercise”, which is vague, abstract, and open to interpretation.

By helping children make small, moderate changes, you are teaching them the value of goal-setting, responsibility, and resilience and, more importantly, challenging the narrative that extreme, intense efforts at self-improvement are the order of the day. 

And if your child is not interested in self-improvement, I would advise leaving well enough alone.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist